Rinse
by LadeeBear
Summary: She must rinse this all away. She can't love him this way. [Lindsay POV, DL angst, oneshot] Songfic based on Vanessa Carlton's song, Rinse.


**Title: **Rinse

**Author: **LadeeBear

**Rating: **K+ (just a little mild language)

**Summary & Disclaimer: **I was listening to Vanessa Carlton's song today called "Rinse" and thought that it was a very appropriate – yet completely angsty – type of song to base a Lindsay fanfic around. It's DL, but a very, very, very angsty form of it (and yes, I believe that all good angst that I write must have rain in it somewhere. LOL. Although this story is actually centered around the theme of cleansing rain…hence the title 'Rinse'). Sorry to those of you who want fluff, but I will make some more one-shots later with lots of good fluffy stuff in them. But for now, I only own this depressing plotline, and do not own any of the lyrics for they belong to Miss Carlton.

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_She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye  
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise  
She's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright  
For answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight_

Lindsay Monroe stood; arms crossed in front of her chest and merely stared at the lightning that shone in the distance. The lightning was accompanied by a crack of thunder so violent that it sent all of the remaining New Yorkers indoors.

But not her.

She continued to stare, not really focusing on anything in particular, but watching the sky blacken and feeling the earth below her feet rumble. Her dark chocolate eyes were emotionless, empty, devoid of any feeling. Numbness. A numbness that etched away at her heart. And she didn't know why it was there, or even how it got there. The wind whistled in the trees, chilling her bones and causing her to pull her coat tighter around her petite body. She was vulnerable – the most vulnerable she had been in years. And it was all because of him.__

She must rinse this all away  
She can't hold him this way  
She must rinse this all away  
She can't love him this way

The rain began, first as a light drizzle, dropping onto the pavement, tiny droplets falling onto the concrete below Lindsay's feet – Heaven's tears. Lindsay lifted her eyes to the sky and watched the black clouds roll along the horizon, carrying with them flashes of crimson lightning and casting away the light from their presence. The rain's pulse quickened, and soon a steady stream of rain began to fall. Lindsay lifted her arms up, palms facing heavenward and closed her eyes, letting the rain seep through her clothes and moisten her curly auburn hair. The streetlights began to flicker on around her, but Lindsay was unaware. All she wanted to do was to cleanse herself, to be rid of the man that she wanted but could never have. She couldn't possibly feel _that _way about him. Her eyes opened and tears slid down her cheeks. She had to get rid of him, and the rain was the essence of opportunity, the true form of healing, of cleansing, of riddance. Faster and faster the rain poured down, echoing on the sides of buildings and flowing into puddles on the street. And still, Lindsay stood, just wishing that the rain would wash the thoughts of him away. She knew, of course, that the rain was futile. Surely, it could never wash Danny Messer away from her. She watched the rainwater pool into a stream that flowed beside her boots. The storm was raging on, lightning ebbing away at the mid-day sky, and sickeningly black clouds forming layers over the blue horizon, blocking out all hope and sunlight from the city. Sunlight was gone, and there was only darkness. Darkness and rain. __

How she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved if he could see  
She needs to be held in his arms to be free  
But everything happens for reasons that she will never understand  
'Till she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man

She had only been in his arms once, and that was due to a break-down. She opened her eyes and sat down on the nearest bench, still allowing the rain to wash over her tired body. It had been when he had offered her a ride home. She was weak, scared, and exhausted – and he knew it. When they left the hospital after checking up on Flack's condition, he drove her to her apartment. When she waved him away, he insisted on staying to make sure that she was alright. And there was where she finally had let everything out – she cried about her past, about her near-death incident that afternoon, about the fear she had in her heart – about losing _him_. She told him that she could never bear to lose him – he was one of her best friends. And he had held her, long, embracing her sobs and soothing them with whispers, with promises of tomorrows, and with no hint of fear or worry or doubt himself. He was her rock, her foundation – he was her comfort. Oh, but how foolish was she, to let a man steal her heart away, Lindsay thought to herself with a scoff. For the next month, he was embracing another woman, another victim, a blonde with shimmering eyes and curves to make anyone jealous. Everything happens for a reason? What a bunch of bull, Lindsay thought with anger.

She turned her eyes towards Heaven and screamed inside of her head. Everything happens for a reason, huh? Is that what you're telling me? Yeah, you, Mr. Big-Man-Upstairs! You did this to me! You brought him into my life so that he could tear it upside down, just like all the others. Why did I think he was any different? She yelled at the sky for the longest time in her head, but at her last sentence, she formed words aloud.

"Why did I think he was _any _different?"

Cold, empty, sighing words left her lips, and she shook her head. He was no different. He was the same as all of the other men she had ever known in her lifetime. The façade is always the same – gentleman, friend, comforter, fixer of broken pieces, listener – and it always ended up the same. Brokenness.

Lindsay stuffed her hands inside of her jacket pockets and rose from her sitting position to continue walking in the rain. Shaking her head she wondered why she was running away again.

More importantly – where was she running _to_?_  
_

_And if she runs away, she fears she won't be followed  
What could be the worse than leaving something behind?  
And as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow  
It's loneliness she finds...  
If only he was mine_

The storm showed no remorse, and the rain beat down on Lindsay's jacket, hitting her with blow after blow of torrents of water. Lindsay squinted through the sheets of rain, and the wind and water stung her eyes, causing involuntary tears to well up. She paused in the middle of her exodus from Danny, from the rain, and from her hopelessness and threw her arms up in the air with defeat.

"Alright! You win!" she screamed over the pounding rain. "You win once and for all, okay? I lose, you win! Stop haunting me for God's sakes!" Lindsay's voice cracked and she continued to yell, as thunder rolled on. "You win, God – or whoever the hell you are up there! I'm always going to lose the person that I care about, right? First Dad leaves, and then Jason, and then Matt, and now Danny too – well, fine then! Take them! Take them all! And damn you for putting them in my life! Damn you!"

Lindsay sunk down onto the nearest curb and buried her head in her hands, body shaking with sobs. "Damn you," she whispered. She furiously wiped her face, though it was moist from rainwater. "Damn you Danny Messer," she whispered to herself, as she got up and continued to walk with newfound strength. If all she could do was curse him, curse his name – that would be enough for her to take one more step, one more step, and one more after that.

_She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye  
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise  
She's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright  
For answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight_

Hours later, Lindsay sat on the pier where Danny had found the 'mermaid' from Montana. She could almost see his smirking face in her mind. "Have you ever even seen a wheat field?" she had asked him daringly. The New York native had paused for a moment, thinking of a smart remark to reply with, and all he had been able to come up with was: "What's to see? It's just wheat."

Lindsay shook her head, clearing the memory of that day away from her mind. It was the same day Hammerback revealed to Lindsay about Danny's 'crush' on her. Lindsay scoffed, eyes full of disbelief and bitterness. Oh, yes, he must have a crush on me – that's why he's with that pretty blonde waitress. Lindsay tossed her Styrofoam cup into the nearest trashcan and continued to sit, silent and pondering.

Is he really worth it? The voice inside of her mind would not let that question go. No matter how many times Lindsay thought about it, her arguments always boiled back down to that.

"No, he's not worth it," Lindsay assured herself aloud. She tucked a piece of hair behind her ears and stared out at the illuminated skyline. No, he wasn't worth it. She had to get rid of him from her mind. Her hopes were dashed, cut up into neat little pieces and placed beside the broken pieces from Jason, and from Matt, and from many other men. Lindsay shook her head defiantly and leaned forward, lacing her fingers together and propping her chin up on them. No, he wasn't worth it. She would treat him like anyone else at the lab – like Hawkes, like Flack, like Marty, like Mac – there would be no difference in demeanor. If she had to go through every day of her life with that man, the least she could do was pretend. Yes, pretend. She could make it all an act. She was obviously gone from his life, gone from his future, from his _heart_ – and so, he would be gone from hers. No more. She was wiping her hands clean. __

She must rinse him  
She must rinse him  
She can't rinse him  
She can't rinse him  
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him  
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him  


She wouldn't lose another night's sleep over him. She wouldn't shed another tear over the things that _could_ have, _should_ have, _would_ have, or _might_ have been. No, he was no more. The rain had cleansed her of him, peeling away a layer of Lindsay Monroe that she never thought she could get rid of. And there it was – gone. Danny Messer was nothing more than a colleague – she had never loved him, and he had never loved her as anything more than a sister. If it took every waking moment in his presence for that voice to whisper it to her in her head, then by God, it would continue to whisper. No more, no more.

He was no more to her.

_She must rinse this all away  
She can't hold him this way  
She must rinse this all away  
She can't love him this way_

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**I told you it was depressing and angsty. Yes, well, I felt like the angsty mood today. Tell me what you think – good or bad! Just hit that button that says 'Submit Review' and let me know, please. Thank you all for reading!**


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